Matters of the heart
by Syntium
Summary: Kate's brother shows up in Cooper's crossing. Please R&R. Rating may change
1. Once in a lifetime

_Author's note: This is my first Flying doctors fan fic, and I should probably mention that English isn't my first language so bear with me. This is also a work in progress so any feedback is greatly, greatly appreciated. And I am a slow writer so it may take a while for it to be finished. _

An old, black, beaten and rusty car pulled up at the curb by The Royal Flying Doctors base. A young man opened the door, reached for a cane at the passenger's seat and began to gently make his way out of the car. As he was standing up, he leaned heavily on the cane, and was limping hard in the direction of the base.

Inside the base, Dr Chris Randall had just finished the afternoon's radio clinic. Kate was busy, bent over searching for a certain journal in the filing cabinet. Just as Chris rose from her seat to get a cup of coffee, the door to the base was opened carefully as if the person didn't want to make a sound and in came a man perhaps in his early twenties. The man closed the door without so much as a sound, and looked up and met Chris' eyes. What struck her first was that his eyes were of different colour. The right one was brown and the left one green. This fascinated her so much that she didn't say anything to greet the stranger. He smiled, and put his finger over his lips as a sign that she should remain silent. As he rounded the corner Geoff came out of his office. Geoff opened his mouth to say something to the newcomer, but he repeated his previous sign of silence and then looked over at Kate, who was still rummaging through the lower drawer of the filing cabinet, and his smile got wider.

"Is it just me or do the nurses around here get prettier with age?" he said which startled Kate out of her searching. She quickly rose and turned around. When she saw the stranger, her face lit up with joy and she rushed over and fell into his arms.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in! From where did you blow back this time?"

"Oh, you know me, I've been around. But last place was Brisbane."

"When did you get here?"

"Just now actually. I came to see my favourite big sister first thing."

A discreet cough from Geoff snapped Kate back to the others in the room.

"Oh, sorry, this is my brother Daniel. And Daniel, this is Dr Geoff Standish and Dr Chris Randall. And over there , talking on the radio, is DJ.

Daniel shook hands with the doctors and DJ waved from his spot without stopping his stream of words.

"We also call him 'motor mouth'," Kate teased.

"It's a pleasure to meet you. In fact, I could use a doctor to take a look at my leg," Daniel said. It was at that moment that Kate noticed the cane.

"What has happened to you leg?"

"It's a long story," Daniel said shortly. Kate gave him an odd look but turned to the other two.

"I'm swamped, sorry," Geoff said.

"I can take a look at it, if you want?" Chris said a nanosecond too soon. She was intrigued by this young man in a way she'd never felt before. Maybe it was his eyes, maybe it was his fair features, or the air of mystery surrounding him.

"Thank you. When are you ready?

"We can do it now if you want, in my office?"

"Ok, great, lead the way. And it was nice meeting you two," Daniel said to Geoff and DJ. Kate looked concerned as Daniel limped after Chris into her office.

"What's the problem with your leg?"

"I, uh... Have a wound. In my thigh."

Chris sensed that Daniel was feeling uncomfortable.

"Ok, take off your pants and I'll have a look."

Daniel slowly pulled down his jeans and revealed a bandaged right thigh. Chris could see that the bandage was yellow with pus. She carefully started to take off the bandage.

"Want to tell me what happened?"

"Uh... It was an accident."

As Chris got rid of the last piece of bandage, Daniel sucked air through his teeth because of the pain. And the doctor was shocked at what she saw.

"This is a bullet wound!"

"Yeah, uh... Like I said, it was an accident."

"I need to report this to the police."

"It's already been reported."

"Then, why won't you tell me what happened?"

Daniel gave crooked, insecure smile.

"Because it was just stupid. I was drunk, like really drunk, and my room mate had a gun that I played around with and accidentally shot myself in the leg. Pretty stupid, huh?"

"How long ago was it?"

"Two weeks."

"Well, you haven't been very careful with it, it's infected and your leg is overstrained."

"I know," Daniel said quietly

"Did they get the bullet out?"

"Yes."

"Then it shouldn't be too serious as long as you keep off your leg for a while. I'll prescribe some antibiotics for you, and we'll get you some crutches."

"Thank you."

Chris put on a fresh bandage, and told Daniel that he could put on his jeans again.

"Where are you staying?" Chris asked.

"I don't know, I guess I'll sleep at Kate's."

"Kate lives with me now," Chris smiled.

"Oh... Well, I guess I will find some other place."

"Nonsense, you can stay with us, I have a cot that we can put in my office. How does that sound?" Chris said softly.

"Great!" Daniel gave a wide smile, that almost, almost gave Chris the sensation of feeling weak in the knee section.

Later that night everyone was gathered at the pub. Drinks were poured, and laughter was heard as Daniel told a little bit of his life. He was some kind of a vagabond, traveling the world, getting jobs where he could to pay for the next trip and so on.

"How long are you staying this time?" Kate asked.

"Ah, you know me, five minutes or five months," Daniel shrugged.

"But I still want to know what happened to your leg."

Chris noticed that Daniel hesitated, and took a sip from his orange juice before he spoke.

"Well, I was working on a fishing boat, outside of the coast of Norway, when one night when all of us were asleep and suddenly, we all woke up by a huge bang on the starboard side of the boat. We ran up to the deck and I leaned over to see what it was that hit us. Then another hit came and I fell overboard. The water was freezing cold, but before I knew it something huge with too many teeth grabbed a hold of my leg and pulled me down under the water."

Chris thought of how good a storyteller he was. Charismatic, made everyone listen intently, thought they probably all knew he was lying. Hardly a sound was heard except for Daniel's melodic voice.

"It dragged me further and further down in the pitch black water and I thought I was done for! Eaten by some sea monster that I couldn't even see what it looked like! My lungs screamed for air, and just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, the creature let me go! I swam as quickly up to the surface as I could and not a second too soon I could breathe again. Fortunately I wasn't far from the boat and the crew helped me up. You should see the bite marks from this creature!"

"Yeah, let's see them," Sam Patterson laughed

"No, I'm to shy," Daniel smiled coyly.

"You're so full of it," Kate said with a smile

"Yeah... But you love me anyway."

"It's getting late," Kate said. "We should be heading home. Just let me go to the bathroom."

"That was some story." Chris said when Kate had left.

"Yeah..." Daniel looked a little guilty. "Please don't tell anyone. Especially not Kate."

Chris nodded.


	2. Strange feelings

_Here's the second chapter. Again, any reviews or comments on the how to improve the story is so welcome!_

**Strange feelings**

Daniel awoke in a strange room and felt a little disoriented at first but then remembered where he was. He had arrived at his home town of Cooper's crossing yesterday. A wave of mixed feelings came up within him and threatened to make him sick. For the millionth time he wondered why he had returned. But he knew why, this was the place where it all started. This was the only place where he could make peace. His restless life, traveling from one place to another, to forget the memories, only to find they came to haunt him anyway.

Daniel closed his eyes and sighed to calm himself. This was not the time or the place. Or, it was the right place, but he didn't know when the right time was or if it would ever come. He opened his eyes again and looked around the room. It wasn't very big, with book shelves, albeit cramped with medical books it didn't look messy. In fact, everything seemed to be meticulously tidy. He got the feeling that this Dr Chris Randall was somewhat of a pedant. But she was pretty, that he had to admit.

There was a light knock on the door and Kate's face appeared in the doorway.

"Hey sleepy head. Ready for some breakfast?"

Daniel carefully stretched his limbs and put on a smile though the wound in his leg throbbed and burned.

"It seems just about the right time for breakfast," he said.

"You need any help?" Kate said and motioned to the crutches.

"No I'm fine."

"Ok, just holler if you need anything," she said and closed the door. Daniel sat up and reached for his clothes, trying to ignore the pain in his right leg. Slowly he put his clothes on and took the crutches.

"Good morning," Chris said when he came out in the kitchen. "Did you get a good night's sleep?"

"Yes I did, thank you," he answered and then carefully sat down at the table. Kate picked up a piece of toast and started to butter it.

"So, what are your plans for the day? Are you going to visit mum?" she asked casually but Chris noticed a slight jerk in Daniel's body at the mention of his mother.

"No... I mean, um, maybe. Could you pass the milk please?" he addressed the last part to Chris.

"What do you mean maybe? She hasn't seen you for years, it would probably do you both some good." Kate took a bite from her toast and looked at Daniel who fidgeted in his chair.

"And maybe you could visit dad's grave while you're at it," she continued, completely oblivious of the tension she caused with her younger brother.

"Leave it Kate!" Daniel said sharply.

"Ok, ok... I'm just saying, you decide to show up here and we have hardly gotten a postcard from you in several years, don't you think that she at least deserves a visit?"

"Excuse me," Daniel said to Chris and then reached for his crutches and with some effort he hopped out of the kitchen and the two women heard the front door slam.

"What did I say?"

Chris just shrugged, uncertain what to say.

"He's always been so secretive. I mean, I can kind of understand why he wouldn't go visit dad's grave, the two of them didn't exactly get along all the time if you know what I mean, but he didn't have to react so harshly."

"Maybe he just woke up at the wrong side of the bed," Chris suggested.

Daniel knew he couldn't go far with the crutches, so he went to the backyard where he found a hammock settee to sit down in. Frustrated and angry over Kate, and feeling handicapped, he threw the crutches on the ground as hard as he could. Why did she have to bring their parents up and push him like that? Didn't she get anything? Daniel knew it was unfair to take his anger out on his sister, but couldn't help it.

After an hour or so, Chris came out and sat down beside him.

"You know, it's safe to go into the house now, Kate has left for work if you want to finish your breakfast."

Daniel laughed a little and seemed to relax from the tension.

"I'm sorry if we ruined your morning."

"I'm fine," she assured with smile. She had a beautiful smile Daniel noticed. "You want to talk about it?"

"Ah... You know, eh..."

"Yes, I know," she laughed softly. "We only met yesterday and I'm a complete stranger to you. It's fine, really."

Daniel relaxed some more, feeling at ease with this woman. They seemed to be on the same wave length.

"How's that leg of yours?" Chris asked.

"It hurts sometimes," he answered and understated the pain. But it was as if she saw right through him.

"Come by the hospital, I'm on duty this afternoon. I can give you some painkillers."

He nodded gratefully.

"See you then," she said and got up and walked back into the house. Daniel sighed and wished that she would have stayed just a little bit longer so that maybe, just maybe, he could have told of all of his dark thoughts.

Chris was just done with her rounds at the hospital when Daniel came in.

"What's up, doc?"

"Oh, that one I've never heard before."

"Ah, sorry," he smiled sheepishly.

"It's okay," she laughed. "Come here,"she said and motioned to an examining room. I want to take a look at your wound."

"It looks better than yesterday," Chris stated when she unraveled the bandage. "What did your doctor say about your chances to be able to walk and run again?"

"Well, he said I'll have a stiff leg for the rest of my life I think. Something about a nerve or whatever."

"You don't seem to grieve much over it?"

"I can still walk. The only thing I'll miss is basket ball."

"You've played basket ball?"

"Are you kidding me? I practically grew up on the court by the school. Never played professionally though. That was my dream as a kid. But it didn't exactly turn out that way."

"Why not?" Chris said as she applied a fresh bandage.

Daniel did not answer at first which made Chris search for his eyes. If he hadn't looked so sad she would have been hypnotized by them.

"Stuff happens," he answered shortly. "Life never turns out the way you expect it to."

"Too true. Well, now you are done. And here's your prescription."

"Thank you," he said and locked eyes with her and just stood like that for a few seconds until a knock on the door that broke the link between them. It was Geoff.

"Chris, I need a second opinion on some X-rays. But it can wait if you're busy?"

"No, we were just done," Daniel said and took his crutches and left. Chris could feel her cheeks flushing. Geoff gave her an odd look.

"What's the matter? You are blushing."

"It's hot in here. Shall we go and take a look at those X-rays then?" she said and left the examining room before her fellow doctor could answer.

"But there's air conditioning in here!" Geoff thought confused.


	3. The Heart Speaks the Truth

_Here's the third chapter. If you have any opinions on this story, please, hit that review button! :)_

**The Heart Speaks the Truth**

"How much longer must I hop around on these flaming crutches?" Daniel growled as he for the third time bumped into a piece of the furniture, trying to get to an armchair in Chris' living room.

"That depends," Kate said, who was sitting in the sofa, reading a book. "On the injury. By the way, you still haven't told me what has happened."

Daniel just glared at her, as he sank down in the armchair, and put his hurt leg up on the coffee table.

"It must hurt pretty much for you to be so grumpy," Kate pointed out.

"I forgot to take the damn painkillers."

"Come on," she said softly. "I am you sister, you can tell me."

"You don't get to use the sister card on this one."

"When do I get to use it then? You limp into town, from Brisbane of all places, and you expect me not to ask what you've been up to for the past several years?"

"Nothing special, I've traveled. Like I always have. You want me to account for all the places I've been to? Fine, I've spent some time in New Zealand, some time in Bali, took a trip to India and then ended up in Brisbane."

"Why is it always a fight with you? And why did you pack up and leave without saying goodbye the last time? Will you do that this time as well? I never know anything with you and it's so frustrating. You know, you don't have to shut me out, I'm here for you," she ended quietly.

"I know," Daniel said. He didn't know what else to say.

"What is it that is so hard for you to talk about, that you can't even share it with me?"

Daniel didn't know what to say, but stared at his foot for a few seconds.

"Well?"

Just as he opened his mouth to try and say something to smooth things over, Chris came in through the front door.

"Anybody home?" she called.

"Where in here," Daniel answered relieved by Chris' timing. He felt also strangely lighter at heart, when she came into the living room.

"What's up?"

"Nothing, just a little friendly sibling bantering," Daniel said and looked at Kate and smiled. Kate shot him a look that said "Don't you think for a second that this is over." Out loud she said: "I'm gonna make myself a cup of tea. Anyone want?"

"Yes, please!" both Chris and Daniel answered at the exact same time and Kate disappeared out into the kitchen.

"How's the leg?" she asked and he was amazed how soothed he felt in her presence.

"I really hate these crutches! Can I at least get my cane back?"

"Give it a day or two, then we'll see!"

"Has anyone ever told you you are cruel?" he smiled.

"Oh, I've heard that plenty of times," she giggled. Chris had had a long day at work with a headache that came from a tense neck and shoulders, but now, as she sat and joked with Daniel it was as if it didn't matter anymore. "What is it with me," she thought. "I hope I'm not falling in love with him! He's far too young! And he's Kate's brother. Kid brother even!" Chris felt as if they were friends, and that she could trust him, though they'd only known each other for a couple of days. And she caught herself wondering if he felt the same. She hoped he did.

"I've been thinking..."

"Uh-oh," Chris said jokingly but regretted it the next second. What if he didn't understand that she was joking? But Daniel only laughed and threatened to throw a soft pillow on her.

"No seriously," he said. "I can't pay a lot of rent, so I was thinking that I maybe could take care of the house since you and Kate work so much. I want to pull my weight, so that maybe I could... Stay. For a while."

His eyes showed great insecurity, and Chris sensed that he was worried that she might throw him out. Her heart was moved by it.

"Hey, you are Kate's brother and you are welcome to stay for as long as you like. And as for the rent and so on, we can talk about you pulling your weight when your leg is better."

"Thank you," he said with a sigh of relief.

And so a few weeks went by. Daniel finally got rid of the crutches, but he still leaned heavily on the cane when he walked. One day he was having lunch at the Majestic with Kate.

"Have you been to see mum yet?" Kate initiated.

His eyes were resting on Chris, who stood at the bar, talking to Jack Carruthers. Her voice startled him out of his thoughts of whether they might be a romantic item or not.

"What? Uh, no." he said and returned his focus to the food.

"Isn't it about time you did that? You've been here a few weeks now."

"Why don't you go and see her if it's so important!" Daniel said through clenched teeth.

"I have! And I told her that you were in town. You should have seen her face, she was so happy. You know, she's hardly been out of the house since the funeral. A funeral which you didn't even bother to show up to."

"You know I had my reasons."

Kate leaned back in her chair and her features softened a little bit.

"I know dad wasn't very kind to you, but... Maybe it's time to forgive and forget? To put it all behind you, instead of running?"

Daniel's shoulders relaxed as he realized that his older sister maybe understood more than he gave her credit for.

"I know. That's what I'm trying to do. And I will visit her, when I am ready," he said but looked very tired as he uttered the words. Kate put her hand over his and squeezed it. That made Daniel slightly uncomfortable, unused to physical affection as he was. When Chris and Jack at that moment came over and asked if they could join them, Daniel hastily took the chance of a neutral withdrawal of the hand.

"So, Daniel... Where have you been these past few years?" Jack asked.

"Oh, you know... Five minutes here, three minutes there and so on."

"I remember when you where about eleven years old, I found you walking on the road to Broken Hill, said you were going to Sydney. Always restless, eh?" Jack chuckled.

"Uh, yeah," Daniel said and took a sip of his water. This was a conversation he did not want to participate in. Chris on the other hand was curious of him and wanted to know as much about him as possible.

"Really?" she said to keep the conversation going.

"Oh yeah, he was a real little runaway." Jack said. "Don't know how many times I picked him up in the police car to drive him home."

"And when he was sixteen, he ran away for good. This is the third time he's been home since then. In seven years," Kate continued, not without a bitter sound in her voice. Daniel wiped his mouth with a napkin, excused himself, took his cane and limped off. Kate locked at her clock.

"Oh, I guess it's back to the salt mines now. Lunch is over."

"I hear you,"Jack said and rose. "Are you coming?" he said turned to Chris.

"Ah, no. I have the day off actually"

"Oh, okay, well enjoy the rest of the afternoon" Jack said and put on his police hat.

It was one of those not too hot afternoons. The sun was hiding behind the clouds but single shafts of light pierced through. As Chris looked at the direction of the rotunda, she saw a figure sitting there that could only be Daniel. She slowly started walking towards him, not really knowing if she should talk to him or not. But as he heard her footsteps he turned around and smiled when he saw who it was.

"Maybe you'd rather be alone?

"No, no, come on in. Sit. Please."

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"For what?" he looked genuinely surprised.

"For forcing a conversation on you that you didn't want to be in."

"Please, that wasn't your fault. Everyone seems to love to talk about how reckless and irresponsible I am. Like a kid who constantly runs away from his family, what kind of a kid is that?"

Chris was silent for a few seconds and then she spoke.

"Maybe an unhappy kid?" she said softly, catching Daniel totally off guard and he gave a start. He looked like a sad little boy for a second, but then his mask came back on.

"It is common knowledge that my father used to beat the crap out of me whenever he got the chance." he said defensively.

"Is that why you won't visit his grave?"

Daniel felt he could not lie to her, not to Chris. But he could not tell the whole truth either.

"Partly," came the short answer.

"I understand," she said and squeezed his hand much like Kate had done just a few minutes ago. But this time Daniel didn't want to pull back, instead he wanted to hold her hand forever, feel another human being's touch and that he was appreciated for who he was. He slowly turned his fist around and opened his palm so that she could put his hand in his. Daniel didn't expect her to do that so when she gently placed her hand in his, he was surprised and looked up and saw that she was equally surprised. In a flash the whole atmosphere had changed between them. Neither of them knew what to say or how to react. So they sat still, looking into each other's eyes, not saying a word. But when Daniel made the smallest of motion with his thumb on her hand, it became too much for Chris.

"I'm sorry, I've got to go," she mumbled and got up before he could say anything. Daniel felt as if a vital part of his body had been ripped out and he was left with emptiness.


	4. Brown and green

**Brown and green**

Chris partly ran, partly walked back to her car that stood parked outside the pub. As she got inside the vehicle, she was panting heavily from the different emotions that came up inside of her. She could feel heat on her cheeks again, and hated herself for blushing. Why did he have to do that? And why, in the name of all that was holy, had she put her hand in his? But it had felt natural at the time, as if their hands belonged together. No! First and foremost he was a patient of hers, and he was eleven years younger. It would never work out, and she couldn't cause such a scandal, she thought to herself. She feverishly started to look for her car keys, just to take her mind of Daniel Wellings, and when she found them she drove off so fast that the tires screeched.

Daniel was deep in his own thoughts and only vaguely heard the screeching noise. Twenty-two years old, he had never come close to experience what had just happened. The closeness between two people that was more than just a friendly gesture. The wonderful feeling of reaching out to someone who answered. Suddenly he felt as if he couldn't breathe, and gasped a little for air. "This can't be happening," he thought and he felt disgusted by himself for making that ever so gentle caress with his thumb on her hand, or even for opening up his hand. How could something that had felt so right at that precise moment, feel so horrible minutes after? Daniel got up and walked away from the rotunda.

Chris and Kate was busy preparing dinner, when Daniel walked in.

"The food's almost ready, you are just in time," said Kate who was setting the table. Chris saw in the corner of her eye that Daniel was looking at her and she threw a quick glance towards him and said: "Hi," so that she wouldn't seem impolite or get Kate wondering.

"Hey," he answered and there was a few seconds of awkward silence between them.

"Uh, what you got cooking?" he said

"Just pasta and some sauce," Chris answered and tried to sound as natural as possible, while her heart was racing. Daniel limped over to the table and sat down.

"Oh, by the way Daniel , we are flying out to the gas fields tomorrow, and we'll be staying overnight so you'll have the whole house to yourself," Kate said as they were seated.

"What are you going to do all the way out there?"

"We are doing a clinic run. And then there's a party apparently that Emma, you know Emma Patterson, has to show up for as she was voted Queen of the Outback, so we decided to join her and Sam. You think you can handle being here all by yourself?" Kate teased a little, but her brother seemed immune to her joke.

"I think I'll manage," Daniel answered shortly.

The dinner went by, pretty much in silence, except for the occasional comment exchanged between Chris and Kate about the upcoming trip. When Chris was done, she excused herself and said she had paper work to do and fled into her study.

"What's the matter?" Kate asked when the door to the study was closed. "Have you been in a fight with Chris or something?"

"What? No! Why would you think that?"

"Because neither of you have said one word to the other during the whole dinner, and just yesterday you two got on like a house on fire. So, what's going on?"

"Nothing, we haven't had a fight!"

"If you say so," Kate said and started to clear the table.

Daniel stood by the school's basket ball court, where he had spent as much time as possible during his childhood. Or rather, what was left of it. The hoops were gone and instead various toys were scattered on the ground. He picked up a packet of cigarettes from his pocket an lit one. He rarely smoked, but this heartbreaking scene reminded of himself. That he lacked some vital part of how to interact with other persons. Or one in particular. After filling his lungs with the smoke of the cigarette one time, he threw it on the ground and put it out with his shoe. "They're leaving tomorrow," Daniel thought and though he knew they would be back the day after, he couldn't help but missing Chris already, and he hated himself for it.

Chris was sitting in the Nomad, trying to concentrate on a book, but all she could see was two different colored eyes, and the sensation of her hand in his. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get rid of the butterflies in her stomach, when thinking about his beautiful eyes. She heard the others talking as if from a distance. In frustration she slammed the book shut.

"Are we there yet?" she asked Sam.

"Yep, it's just about time for you to fasten your seat belts.

As the group from the RFDS entered the hall where the party was held, Chris took a deep sigh, when she saw all the decorations and the balloons. It was a party, and she was to have fun and not dwell about Daniel. They had barely been seated when Kate said: "Hey, there's a new face," and they all turned towards the door . Chris saw a tall, blond man who was shaking hands with the foreman on the gas fields. Chris thought him handsome, but also that he probably knew that fact himself. He seemed very confident. The foreman took him to the RFDS table and introduced him as Dr Mike Lancaster and he all shook hands with them. Sam came back from getting drinks and Mike apologized for something to Sam that Chris didn't understand what they were referring to. Geoff bid the stranger to sit down.

"So you are doctor?" Kate asked.

"Only a PhD, I don't save lives." he smiled and caught Chris' eyes. His eyes were both crystal blue and yet she couldn't help but comparing them to Daniel's more intense, hypnotizing gaze. The night went on and Mike asked Chris to dance the last dance with him. He flirted with her, she could feel it, but she played along, since this was the only night they would see each other. "This is a man that I could fall in love with," she thought in the back of head.

Daniel tossed and turned in his somewhat uncomfortable bed. How he hated the night. How he hated sleeping! Sometimes it wasn't so bad, he could get a decent night's sleep. But most of the time, he was actually afraid of going to sleep. The nightmares... They were so vivid and so real, that he could feel everything, smell everything, taste... Daniel threw himself up in a sitting position and breathed heavily, feeling as if the oxygen didn't fully reached the bottom of his lungs. That he couldn't assimilate the oxygen. He rushed up out of bed, and without caring about the pain in his leg, he ran out of the door. The feeling of fresh air helped him a bit, he could calm himself down. As his breathing returned slowly to normal, he looked up at the dark night sky and the twinkling stars, and cursed the fact that he was still alive.

As Chris busied herself with work, there came a call from the gas field. There had been several explosions and one man had been badly hurt. When they reached him, Chris saw that it was the man from yesterday, Mike Lancaster.

"I think my arm's broken," was the first thing he said. "Fancy meeting you again," he continued when he saw Chris. She just smiled lightly and helped Geoff examine him. When they got back to the Nomad, Chris saw that something was wrong with Geoff's leg. He could hardly walk. "Want me to take a look at it?"

"No, I'm fine"

Chris felt concerned but didn't pursue.

It turned out that Geoff had seriously injured his knee, and though Chris both longed for and feared the idea of spending a day alone in the house with Daniel, she insisted that Kate should go to Broken Hill with Geoff. Chris went in to see how Mike Lancaster was doing. His bed was full of instruments and papers that he apparently was examining.

"What is all this?"

"If I'm going to be cooped up in here, I might as well get some work done."

"Wrong, what you need is rest!" Chris said and and with the help of a nurse she cleared the bed and put Mike into it.

"How long do I have to stay here anyway?"

"We'll let you out in three days on good behavior. Provided there are some," she said with a strict look at Mike who smiled. Chris left the men's ward with a lot of mixed feelings.


	5. Friends

**Friends**

A car drove slowly on the streets of Cooper's crossing, as if it were hesitant where to go. Or maybe it knew where to go but was afraid of going there. Chris had circled the block where she lived for a good 10 minutes , it was getting dark and still no sign of Kate's car. She sighed and pulled up in the driveway. As she stepped into the door she heard Daniel rustling and bustling in the kitchen. Chris stood in the doorway to the kitchen and saw it almost turned upside down with pots and bowls. Daniel was just shoving something in the oven.

"Hello," Chris said.

"Oh, hi! Sorry about your kitchen, I'll clean it up. And Kate called, something about a rodeo and the hospital being full, so she and Geoff are staying at a motel in Broken hill."

"Ah, I see."

"So I guess it's just the two of us here. Which is good because I've made lasagna for a whole garrison."

At that Chris smiled, and Daniel smiled too, relieved that he had managed to ease up the tension between them. He turned on the faucet and started to clean the various pots, while Chris gathered the courage to talk to him.

"Listen, Daniel..." the words seemed to have jumped out of her mouth on their own. There was no going back now. He looked up at her and saw how serious she looked, he turned off the faucet again.

"What is it?"

"It's about what happened the other day... At the rotunda."

"What about it?" and she could see how tense his body was.

"I think it's best that we pretend nothing happened."

Daniel bowed his head and stared down into the floor.

"You can pretend all you want," he said at length. "But it wasn't nothing, not to me."

"Daniel, things would never work out between us, the age difference is too big, and..."

"I've never said anything about that. I'm just saying that those few seconds at the rotunda has been the most precious in my life. So, please, don't say it was nothing, because it was. It was everything." he slowly lifted his head and looked her in the eyes.

"Okay, " she said softly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you or diminishing what happened, it's just..." Chris didn't know how to finish the sentence.

"I understand. I just wanted you to know that it meant... A lot." he turned around again and began to clean the dishes.

"So, are we friends?"

"Friends," he smiled.

Chris was pleased with that answer.

"Do you need any help?"

"If you want, you don't have to though."

Daniel cleaned the bowls he had used and Chris wiped them dry with a towel. They didn't say much, but it was as if it wasn't needed. Just as they were done, so was the lasagna.

"Care to join me for dinner?" Daniel said with a smile, and Chris answered that smile.

"I'd be delighted to. Shall we open a bottle of wine perhaps?"

"No, I think I'll stick to water. Haven't touched the stuff not since, you know, my accident."

"Water it is then."

As they ate their dinner, the atmosphere became more relaxed, as Daniel shared funny anecdotes from his travels over most of Europe, Asia and Australia. Talking with him went so easy and they laughed together as if they'd known each other for years. And it felt like that, as if she had known him for years, Chris thought. He made her feel relaxed, that she could say anything and know it wouldn't go further outside the walls. She somehow instinctively knew she could trust him, no matter what. They sat in the kitchen talking until it was late and time for bed.

Daniel sat on his bed and took off his clothes. He felt strangely light at heart and as he laid down on the bed he felt as if there were one night when he could sleep in peace, it was this night. He thought of her smile, her laughter when he had told of silly things that had happened during his trips. Stuff that he didn't know if it was worth mentioning to anybody, she had seemed to appreciate hearing about at any rate.

A scream pierced through the night and Chris awoke with a start. At first she didn't know if she had been dreaming, but then another scream was heard. She realized it was coming from her study and that it was Daniel screaming. She got up quickly and put her bath robe on, and rushed out in the hallway.

"Daniel?" she knocked once on the door but decided to go in, in case it was a medical emergency. He was lying in his bed, tossing and turning with moonlight pouring down on him. She could see that his eyes were still closed and she sat down by his side and gently tried to wake him.

"Daniel?" Chris called softly once again, and suddenly he flew up and trapped her wrist in a tight grip and he stared right at her as if he didn't know who she was.

"You had a nightmare. It's okay now," she said soothingly. His grip loosened as he realized who she was.

"I'm sorry" he sobbed. "I'm so sorry!"

"Don't worry, it was only a bad dream," Chris got the feeling it was not her he was apologizing to.

Daniel wiped away the tears that threatened to fall any second. He seemed more awake now.

"I'm sorry for waking you," he said with a thick voice

"Don't worry about that, it's perfectly normal to have bad dreams sometimes," she said softly.

He snuffled, and Chris reached for a paper tissue box on her desk, that he gratefully accepted.

"What about if you have them almost every night?"

"Do you?"

He nodded.

"But I haven't heard you scream like this before?"

"No, this was a particularly... Bad one. Please, don't tell Kate, I don't want her to worry. She's always fussing over me and.. Well, like I said, I don't want her to worry."

Chris gave him a long look.

"I think you should talk to your sister. She already is worrying about you."

"I can't, it's too difficult, too complicated."

"Well, if you are alright, I'll go back to bed then," Chris said but only managed to rise half-way before Daniel grabbed her arm again.

"No, please, stay. Just for a little while."

She sat down again and waited for him to say something, but he didn't. Then, ever so slowly, his right hand moved towards her left. He held out his open palm towards her and Chris didn't know what to do. Before she realized what had happened she had put her hand in his again. They were both looking at their hands intertwined as if in amazement that it had happened again.

"You sooth me," Daniel said at length, but with a slight sad smile. "I have never experienced this before. I just want to lay down beside you a feel this inner peace forever. I'm sorry," he said and tried to pull back his hand, but she put her other hand over his and stopped it. Exactly why she did so,she didn't know. Until he finally dared to meet her eyes. Immensely slow, she leaned in and let her lips meet his. For as long as the kiss lasted, none of them dared to breathe, both hearts were racing, neither of them willing to stop the kiss.

Simultaneously they both pulled back.

"I better get back to my bed room," Chris said in an exhale.

"I think you better do that." She looked a little confused at him for a second, but then hastily got up out of the study and back to her room.

Neither of them got anymore sleep that night.


	6. Not too close

**Not too close**

Daniel had spent the rest of that night thinking about nothing but the kiss, about Chris , and how unworthy he felt of such a gift as that, wonderful, amazing kiss. There was definitely something between them, something he couldn't define, he was too inexperienced with matters of the heart. And last night when she had kissed him he got scared that she, who almost seemed to be able to read his mind, that she would look straight through him and see what a worthless pile of dirt he really was. Daniel closed his eyes to stop the tears from welling up in his eyes. Then he heard the door slam, and he knew Chris had left for work.

"I love you," he whispered and then let the tears fall freely.

"How come you're here so early?" DJ said as she walked into the base.

"I underslept," she said shortly and DJ wondered if she had slept at all, considering how tired she looked. Chris started to prepare some really strong coffee, she would need it if she were to make it through the day.

Sitting by herself in the car on her way to the hospital, Chris could no longer hold back the thought of the kiss and it felt as if it all had been a dream.

"If only it was," she muttered to herself. What had gotten into her, kissing Daniel like that? She felt as if she had taken advantage of him in the vulnerable state he was in after his nightmare. And he had probably felt the same way, since he had asked her to leave after. That confused her because, he had answered the kiss, and not pulled back until she did. Though she hadn't kissed many men, she knew that this, this was the way it was supposed to feel to kiss someone.

"Damn!" she screamed and pounded her fist into the steering wheel.

It became Mike Lancaster's turn on the rounds. He put on his most charming smile as Dr Chris Randall walked in with the company of a nurse. She was damn pretty, that doctor. Even now, when it looked like she hadn't slept for days.

"So what's the verdict doctor? Will I live?" he asked after she absently looked through his chart.

" Oh, sorry, yes you'll be fine, just two more days and you're out of here."

"Great, then we can celebrate my survival. How about some dinner at the Bistro?"

Chris hesitated for a moment or two, then Daniel came up in her thoughts.

"Alright then! Shall we say Friday?" she smiled but it didn't quite reach the eyes

"There are a few things that need fixing, but if I supply the material, would you be willing to fix it up?" Violet Carnegie said and gestured towards a run down house that barely seemed to hold it together.

"Let's take a look inside," Daniel said and they walked in.

"My husband bought it many years ago with the intention of renting it to tourists, but we hardly get any up here, and if we do they of course stay at the Majestic."

Inside it was dark, and a thick layer of dust made Daniel cough a little. It was a kitchen, a living room and then a little room with a loft over it.

"And you mean that I can live here if I fix it?" Daniel said in disbelief.

"Well, it's not much use to me as it is now, and it would be good for you to have a place of your own," Violet beamed.

"But I will pay rent. I promise, every month."

"Well if you can sort it out with the renovation and all, we'll talk about rent."

"Thanks, Mrs Carnegie!"

Daniel immediately started to clear up the mess inside the house. When nightfall came, he was aching in every muscle of his body. He got into his car and drove back to Chris' house. He had a lump in his stomach, they hadn't seen or talked to each other during the whole day. He stopped the car outside the house. Daniel noticed to his relief that his sister's car was back.

Kate was sitting in the living room with a cup of tea, watching T.V, when Daniel came in. There was no sign of Chris.

"Hi, what have you been up to?"

"You'll never guess," Daniel smiled. "Where's Chris by the way?" he asked casually.

"Oh, she was exhausted and went to bed early. Now, tell me the apparently good news!"

"You know that old house on Dennis street that Violet Carnegie owns?"

Kate nodded.

"She's letting me renovate it, so that I can live there!"

"That's great news Daniel! So, this means you're staying a while then?"

"I guess it does. You know, it even has a skylight, how awesome is that?"

Kate laughed at her little brother's enthusiasm.

When Friday came and it was time for Chris to go the Bistro to meet up with Mike Lancaster, she and Daniel had only had one accidental run-in in the kitchen. Both had pretended as if nothing had happened and she hadn't seen him since. According to Kate he was renovating some house. She took her purse and left her house.

Mike proved to be a fun,witty and easy-going guy. Chris found it easy to talk to him. "Almost as easy as with Daniel," she thought but pushed away the thought of Daniel Wellings. She did feel at ease with Mike, but she didn't feel that instant bond of trust. And so the door opened and Kate and Daniel walked into the pub. He was wearing blue jeans and a black t-shirt. He sat down at a bar stool with his back to Chris and Mike. She wasn't sure if he had seen them.

"...So, there I was, abducted by aliens and a thousand light years away from Earth." Mike said and it snapped her back to reality.

"What? " she said sheepishly.

"Am I boring you?"

"No! No, I just ... I'm worried about a patient, that's all," she took a nervous sip of her wine.

"Would that patient be the young man in a black t-shirt, sitting by the bar?" Mike said with a mischievous smile.

Chris knew she couldn't hide it.

"Is it that obvious?"

"I'm afraid it is. But your secret is safe with me."

"Thank you."

"So I guess we'll call it a night then?"

Chris didn't know what to answer. She wanted so badly to have feelings for Mike Lancaster. Because him, it was okay to love, without causing an outrageous scandal across the Outback. He was in her age, and they got along fine, but still, there was some vital part missing. He wasn't Daniel. She nodded.

"Shall I take you home?"

"No I think I'd prefer a walk actually. Need to clear my head."

Daniel watched Chris leave the pub.

"I guess their date ended early," Kate said.

"Yeah, um listen, I'm really tired, so I think I'll head back home. Will you be able to get back by yourself?"

"Sure, you go on."

Daniel walked out to his car, fumbled with the car keys as he saw Chris walking further down the road. He drove up to her and pulled down the window.

"Want a lift?"

"No thank you, I'm fine," Chris said and continued walking, expecting Daniel to drive off. But he didn't. He followed her with the car.

"You know, you are driving at the wrong side of the road?"

"Yeah, I know. So would you please get into the car before I hit someone?" he pleaded. "I want to show you something." Chris stopped and sighed.

"Alright," she got into the car and they drove off. Chris soon noticed that he was driving out of Cooper's crossing.

"Where are you taking me?"

"We're not going far, I just figured that we could talk some. There's this place, not far that is very special to me, and I want you to see it."

He didn't say anything else during the drive, but soon turned the car down an overgrown trail, that you couldn't see from the road unless you knew where you where going, or was looking straight at the trail. They soon came to a clearing. Daniel stopped the car and turned off the engine so that suddenly it was all dark, except for the stars and moonlight.

They got out of the car, and Chris looked quizzically at Daniel.

"Look up," he said and she did so and was greeted by a dome full of stars. It was breathtakingly beautiful. She thought of how long it was since she actually looked up at a dark sky and seen the stars. She realized she had missed it in a way. Daniel sat up on the hood of the car and invited her to join him. For a few moments, the lay there with their backs against the windshield and just looked up at the sky and all its twinkling little dots.

"Listen..." she said.

"I , um..." he said at the same time. They laughed a little, then Daniel said: "You go first."

Chris took a deep breath and exhaled.

"I'm sorry for kissing you, that was inappropriate of me and I shouldn't have done that."

"Why?" came the surprised answer. She turned to look at him, and he was facing her but darkness didn't allow her to see his eyes. Chris was also surprised over his question.

"Because... I mean, I am your doctor and you are a patient of mine so it would be unethical for us to be involved, and... You obviously didn't... Want me to."

Daniel turned towards her and sat up on his elbow.

"You think I didn't want you to kiss me?"

A heatwave rushed through Chris as she realized that he might have wanted her to kiss him.

"You practically told me to get the hell out?!"

"No, you said that you'd better be off to your own room. I just agreed," he laid down again and stared up at the stars.

"I don't know what to say, except that it was an amazing kiss, and I never wanted it to end. So don't think for a second that I didn't want to."

"Then why...?" she started, puzzled

"Because I don't deserve it!" he interrupted vehemently. "I don't deserve this... You. The first time I saw you that day at the base, it was like I've found a treasure. But it's a treasure that doesn't belong to me. Yo are too far away up there in the beautiful sky where you belong" he pointed up towards the stars. "And I'm down here and can only dream about you and getting up there but I never will."

"I feel ashamed." he continued after a few moments of silence. "Because I wanted you to kiss me. And I feel ashamed over that I want you to kiss me again, and again, and again. And I want to kiss... You too."

"It was just a kiss," Chris said. "Maybe it was inappropriate, but there's no need to feel ashamed."

"There's just so much things... Things you don't know about me. Things you don't want to know!"

"Tell me," she said softly.

Daniel fidgeted.

"I haven't exactly been honest with you," he said slowly. Chris waited.

"About my accident... Well, it wasn't exactly an accident. True, I was drunk, and I had my room mates gun, but..." his voice trailed off. Daniel took a deep breath before he continued.

"My plan was to get really plastered and then... Kill myself. But I just couldn't find the guts to do it, so I put the bullet in my leg instead. Next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital. You probably think that I am a real nut case."

"No I don't think that at all."

"Then, what do you think?"

Chris turned to lay on the side, facing Daniel, and supported her head with her hand to buy some time to find the right words.

"I think that you were brave not to do it. It doesn't take guts to kill yourself, it takes guts to live. And, if I may be so bold, I think you wanted to live, but you were hurting so much inside that you put the bullet in your leg instead."

Daniel snorted.

"You read me like an open book," he muttered. "But you were wrong about one thing."

"What's that?"

He paused.

"I still don't want to live."


	7. Big boys don't cry

**Big boys don't cry**

It took Chris a while to digest that Daniel had just said that he had no desire to live. Feverishly she tried to remember what her psychology classes had taught her, but her head was empty and all she could think of to say was: "Why?"

Daniel turned his head away from her.

"That's a completely different story," he answered quietly, but the tone of his voice told Chris that he didn't want to talk about it.

"Daniel..."

"Maybe we should head back," he said and jumped off the hood of the car and got into the driver's seat. Chris had but to follow and she sat down next to him in th e car.

"You know, I could get you some counseling..."

"No, I don't need to talk with some shrink!"

"It might help you to..."

"I said no!"

They drove back to the house under silence, each deep in his or her own thoughts. As they got back inside the house, Chris put her hand on Daniel's arm. He looked quizzically at her and she nervously licked her lips.

"I just wanted to say that... Well, I can't hide the fact anymore that I have feelings for you, and to hear that you don't want to live, it breaks my heart! I just... Hope that by telling you how I feel, that I can make a difference. It might be presumptuous of me but I am here. You have something to live for. And not just me, Kate would be devastated if something happened to you. Can you promise me that nothing will happen tonight at least? That you won't do anything that would... Endanger your life?"

Daniel smiled gently.

"Did you just say that you have feelings? For me?"

"Well, yes, but..." she was interrupted by Daniel reaching out and pulling her closer into a tender embrace. As she leaned against his shoulder she could hear his racing heart.

"I can hear your heartbeat," she whispered.

"It beats for you."

"To hell with Cooper's crossing and the gossip and the Outback. This is where I belong, in the arms of this man." Chris thought. She had lost track of time of how long they had hugged, when he slowly pulled back.

"I can promise you that tonight nothing will happen. But I can't promise you tomorrow," he said seriously.

"Why not? I don't want to lose you!"

"It's complicated."

"Try me."

Daniel looked his loved one in the eyes.

"Believe me, if I was to tell anyone, it would be you. But I can't.. I don't dare to. I don't want to see hate. Not I your eyes, I couldn't take it. Sleep tight." he said and left her standing there in the hall. Chris felt lonelier than ever.

Daniel closed the door behind him and then leaned towards it with his back. He felt he was near tears.

"Tomorrow," he thought. "Tomorrow is when I go and see mum. After that, come what may."

It was a dark, cloudy day. Daniel stood hesitantly outside the house of his childhood. The windows were covered by curtains, it looked uninhabited, he knew his mum was still living there, but hardly left it other than for grocery shopping. He walked up to the door, wondering if he should go straight in or if he should knock. He decided to knock. After about half a minute, an elderly woman opened.

"Danny!" her face lit up and she just threw himself in his arms. He felt uncomfortable hugging his mother and held in an "It's Daniel."

"Hi mum."

"Well, don't just stand there, come in. You should have brought Kate with you too."

"Kate's working today," Daniel said absently as he stepped back into his childhood. Or so it felt, for nothing had changed since he had left it seven years ago. It seemed as if time had stood still, the only thing that had changed was that the odor were mustier.

"Let's go into the kitchen. I'll make you some tea, or coffee if you prefer that?"

"Yeah, coffee would be nice thanks."

His mother disappeared into the kitchen, but Daniel remained in the hallway, looking at the old photos. There were pictures of him and Kate as kids, which made him smile slightly. And then he saw a photo of his father in his military uniform and instantly he felt sick, and hastily turned away from the pictures and joined his mother in the kitchen.

"How long have you been in town this time?"

"About a month and a half or so."

"Then I suppose you'll be packing up and leaving soon. You never could stay in one place long."

"Actually I might stick around for a while. I'm restoring the old house on Dennis street."

"Violet Carnegie's old hovel? Well that must be a hopeless project if I've ever seen one."

"How would you know, you never go out," Daniel thought.

"Have a seat," Anne Wellings said.

Daniel slowly sat down, feeling with every fiber of his being that he did not want to be there. But now he was, and there was no escaping.

"Have you been to your father's grave yet?"

"Here we go..."

"What? Is it to much to ask that you pay your father a little respect, especially since you didn't come to his funeral."

"Respect for what?!" Daniel was getting angry.

"Don't talk like that! Your father loved you."

"First of all, he might have been there for my conceiving, but he sure as hell wasn't my father. And second of all, yeah, he might have loved me. Even a little too much perhaps."

"What is that supposed to mean? Don't drag up that old story again, Danny."

"It's Daniel!" he screamed to his mother who looked shocked but soon her green eyes grew hard.

"Well if it was anything it was your own doing."

"My own doing? I was five!"

"There's no need to shout so loud, the neighbors might hear."

"As if I'd care anymore." Daniel said tiredly and he could feel tears burning behind his eyelids.

"How can you do that to me?" he said with pain in his voice. "Deny that the whole thing ever happened."

"Look, I know that your father slapped you sometimes, but it was only because he loved you, and wanted to raise you to be the best that you possibly could."

"By beating the crap out of me? Yeah, that really helped. Besides, I'm not even talking about that."

Once again he saw fright in his mother's eyes but she soon gathered her composure.

"Then what are you talking about?" Anne said calmly with a slight quiver to her voice.

"I'm talking about you selling me out. You abandoned me!"

"I don't understand what you are talking about."

Daniel got up so violently that the he knocked over the chair.

"I'm talking about you walking in on my dad raping me! And you knew. You knew and you never did a thing in my defense!" Daniel screamed and now he could no longer hold back his tears.

"I just want to know why! Why you didn't do anything? Why didn't you save me from him? Why?! You were supposed to be my mother and protect me! Instead you said I had myself to blame."

"Well you did. Always running around him for attention..."

"I was five years old when he started. And he continued it until I was sixteen. I guess I'm the stupid one then, who thought I could get an apology out of you. My bad." He ran out of the house and jumped into his car. Behind him he heard his mother call: "Danny! Danny!"

He drove as fast as he could back to Chris' house, got out of the car and could no longer contain himself. He collapsed on the lawn, panting heavily, feeling yet again that he couldn't breathe, that his throat was tied together with a string. He soon started hyperventilating and felt dizzy and everything seemed unreal somehow. One of Chris' neighbors, Mrs. Craig, had seen through her window how he had fallen down on the ground and she immediately picked up the phone and called for an ambulance.

Chris stood outside the hospital, impatiently waiting for the ambulance to arrive. She was sick out of worry. Kate came running out to her.

"What had happened?" Kate asked.

"Mrs. Craig saw Daniel fall down on the lawn and he didn't get up."

"How long has the ambulance been gone?"

"About ten minutes. They should be here soon."

"What do you think happened?"

"I don't know!" Chris snapped. "I'm sorry, I just..."

Right then the ambulance pulled up in front of them and they wheeled out the stretcher.

"How is he doing?" Chris asked the men in the ambulance.

"I don't know, can't make contact with him. His pulse is low, and he's hardly breathing. Haven't said a word."

"Okay, let's get him inside."

Kate was pacing to and fro outside the examining room where both Chris and Geoff worked feverishly with finding an answer to Daniel's mysterious collapse. She wasn't allowed since Daniel was a close relative. After half of forever had passed they came out.

"Well?"

"We can't find anything physically wrong with him, which leads me to believe he's having a anxiety attack, and Chris agrees with me. He's not answering or reacting to anything we say. We'll keep him for observation though. I have prescribed some antidepressants , it takes a few weeks for them to take effect, but we should see a change for the better soon. And he has gotten a mild sedative to help him relax. Are you alright?" Geoff asked.

"An anxiety attack? Why?"

"Well, that only Daniel can answer, but I suspect he's been through something severely traumatic. In a stress situation the brain returns to the most basic and our instincts are that we either fight, flee or freeze. Daniel has frozen. Don't worry, I don't think it'll last long."

"You think?! And why antidepressants?"

Geoff looked at Chris who nodded ever so slightly.

"Chris said that Daniel told her last night that he didn't want to live."

Kate sank slowly down on a chair, trying to absorb the information.

"You okay?" Geoff asked.

"It's just that he never struck me as depressive or... Suicidal. I should have known." Kate blamed herself.

"You couldn't have known, he only just came back to town after being gone for years."

"But I'm his sister, and a nurse at that, I should've known," a single tear made its way down her cheek. "How am I supposed to tell mum?"

Geoff sat down beside her and put a comforting arm around her. Nurses came to get the bed with Daniel to take him to the ward.

"I'll follow to see that he's comfortable," Chris said to Kate who was pale as a sheet and it seemed she was full of thoughts. Geoff nodded.

The sight of Daniel lying motionless and apathetic in the bed stabbed at Chris' heart. She slowly walked up to his bedside, took his hand and sat down. She kissed his fingers.

"I'm here for you" she whispered. "You're safe, Daniel now come back me, you hear?"


	8. Too close for comfort

**Too close for comfort **

He felt tired, and couldn't understand why his eyelids persistently tried to open. At first, his vision was blurry at best, but after blinking a few times, the blue curtains that he recognized from the hospital came into view. Was he at the hospital? Why? Daniel's brain worked slowly to unravel this mystery. Then he saw Chris sitting in a chair by his bed, sleeping. "Something serious must have happened," he thought. But his drowsy mind wouldn't cooperate. Daniel figured it must be late in the evening since there was only a small light on by his bed and the ward was silent except for the occasional snoring.

"Chris," he tried to call softly but his voice was nothing more than a whisper. It didn't matter, she was startled out of sleep.

"How are you feeling?" and he could hear that she sounded really anxious in her voice.

"Tired. So tired."

"Good, you need your rest."

"What happened? Why am I in the hospital?"

Chris got up and sat by his bedside. He looked so tired and vulnerable that her heart ached.

"You don't remember?"

"No... It's as if my brain doesn't want to work. My head feels heavy."

"Try and get some more sleep, you need it."

Daniel wanted to know why she wouldn't tell him what had happened, but lacked the strength to argue. He closed his eyes and was soon asleep again.

Tina, one of the nurses who was working the night shift, came in.

"How is he?" she whispered so that she wouldn't wake the patient.

"He's been awake, but he doesn't seem to remember anything."

"Do you want me to call Kate?"

"No, let her sleep."

"You should go home too and get some."

"I'll be fine, I'm staying."

"Okay."

The junior nurse left and Chris turned back to Daniel. She knew there would be gossip about her spending the night by Daniel's bedside, but she didn't care. All she cared about was that he was to be fine.

When Daniel awoke for the second time, he found Chris was still there. She got up from her chair and took his hand in hers and stroked his arm. Daniel thought it nice with some human contact, especially when that human was Chris. He smiled slightly.

"Hey," he said. "How long have I been out?"

"You slept almost through the night. How are you feeling?"

"Better, my head is somewhat clearer. Have you been here all night?"

Chris nodded. Daniel's smile got wider.

"You really do care for me?" he asked in amazement. "I thought I've might have dreamed that."

"Of course I care for you! I might even... Love you."

Daniel's eyes widened and suddenly his smile changed to a face of panic and terror. Once again he started to pant and he let go of Chris' hand and began to claw at his throat.

"I can't breathe!" he managed to say and his vision seemed to be blurry and tunneled.

"Shh," Chris said and took both his hands away from his throat.

"You can breathe. Just breathe slowly, look at me Daniel, focus on me, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Follow my breathing. Inhale... Exhale. Inhale... Exhale."

Daniel locked eyes with Chris and did as she had told him to. After a few minute he felt his breathing had returned to normal.

"What's wrong with me? Why can't I breathe?"

"It's normal to feel like that when you're having an anxiety attack," she said and avoided the fact that he had reacted this when she had told him that she loved him. He whole inside was in turmoil. Why had he reacted like this when she had told him her true feelings?

"What? You're saying that I'm crazy?"

"No, not at all. It's just that..." Chris hesitated about how much she should say.

"Tell me."

She sighed.

"When we found you yesterday, you were unreachable. We couldn't make contact with you."

"And?" he urged when she didn't continue.

"Well, Geoff and I think that you may have had some sort of nervous breakdown due to some traumatic experience."

Daniel knit his eyebrows as he tried to remember what had happened the day before.

"I was at my mum's," he said shortly at length.

Chris waited for him to say something else.

"Could you leave me please, I think I need to be alone."

She nodded and left his bedside.

At the reception she ran into Geoff.

"Don't tell me you've been here all night?"

"I have in fact."

"Why?"

Just then, Kate came in.

"Any words on Daniel?" was the first thing she said

"I was just about to check on him," Geoff said.

"He's awake," Chris answered shortly.

"And?" Kate pursued when her house mate and friend didn't say anything else.

"At first he didn't remember, but then he told me he had been at your mother's house."

"He didn't say anything else?"

"No."

"I think I'll go and check on him." Kate said and left the two doctors.

Daniel was lying on his side with his arms crossed, staring into the wall, when Kate came in.

"Hi, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine."

"Daniel, listen... I am so sorry."

"For what?"

"For... Making you feel like you couldn't talk to me."

"Talk to you about what?" he said hesitantly.

"Chris told me of what you had said, and I..."

"She shouldn't have," he said and faced the wall again.

"Daniel," she said softly. "Is it true? That you don't want to live?"

He didn't answer at first.

"What if it is?" he said quietly without looking at his sister.

Kate was at a loss for words.

"I don't understand, you have your whole life ahead of you?"

"Thanks for pointing that out."

She sensed she had said the wrong thing. Kate took a few steps closer to the bed.

"You can't do that to me, you are my brother and..."

"I can't do that to you?! What about me? I'm the one who has to live with..." his voice trailed off as he realized what he was about to say.

"Live with what?"

Her brother said nothing.

"Daniel, live with what?"

"Just leave Kate, I want to be alone."

Kate slowly left and Daniel sighed inside.


	9. Pure

**Pure**

Daniel looked down on the heptagonical shaped pill in his hand.

"I don't want to take this," he stated.

"It's Asendin. It'll make you feel better eventually, but most antidepressants can cause more thoughts of suicide before they take effect. That's why you should come to regular visits with either me or Chris," Geoff said.

"I said, I don't want to take it!"

"Look, we've established that you have a depression, and depression is not a sign of weakness, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain, which can be treated."

Daniel glared at the doctor on the other side of the desk. Kate was sitting in the chair next to Daniel, and behind him stood Chris. He reached out and carefully placed the pill on Geoff's desk.

"Why are you resisting this?" Kate asked.

"Because I can't be treated. Simple as that."

"Couldn't you at least give it a try?" his sister pleaded.

"No!"

"It's part of your illness to feel like this, like it can't be treated, that you can't get better, that there's no hope. But there is. And this is the way we can help you," Geoff pointed at the pill lying on his desk.

"Don't lecture me on what I feel," Daniel said defensively.

"Could you give us a minute?" Chris spoke up for the first time.

"Yeah, sure," Geoff said and rose from his chair. Kate gave Chris a quizzical look, but followed Geoff out the door.

Chris sat down in the other chair next to Daniel, trying to find the right words

"Just tell them I need to recuperate, that's all. Rest."

"You need more than that and you know it. How long have you been feeling like this? Like you don't want to live."

"Practically my whole life."

Chris wanted to take his hand, but felt scared he would push her away. She was confused, and didn't feel like she knew him as well as before.

"I understand how you feel. You've been in a dark room for so long and now, suddenly, a door opens to a bright light. Of course you don't know how to handle it." Chris said softly.

"It's not that..."

"Then what is it?"

"I just genuinely believe that I can't get better."

"Then why won't you just give it a try and see what happens? For me?" the last words escaped from her mouth before she could stop herself.

"You know I'd do anything for you," he said without meeting her eyes. "I'd die for you."

"I don't want you to die for me, I want you to live for me!"

Daniel looked up and saw that Chris' eyes were glassy with tears.

"Alright," he said after a while. He picked up the pill from the desk and put it in his mouth.

Chris blinked away the tears and smiled warmly at him.

"I've taken the stupid pill." Daniel said to Kate and she walked up to him and gave him an embrace. She could feel him relax slowly in her arms. Chris came out of the office shortly after.

"I want you two to keep a close eye on him. Any mood or behaviour changes, or if you feel agitated or have more thoughts about hurting yourself, then I want you to tell somebody. Okay?"

"Alright. Thanks doc." Daniel said.

Daniel was at the house trying to repair the worst. He had dragged an old sofa in, and a radio so that he would be able to listen to some music. The volume was turned up so loud that he didn't notice that Chris came in until she turned it down. He looked surprised at her.

"You should be resting you know."

"Came to check up on me?"

"We're worried about you, can't you understand that?"

Daniel climbed down from the ladder he was standing on.

"Yeah, I thought I'd sleep here from now on."

Chris looked around in disbelief at the messy house.

"What? Here? Where?"

"On the sofa."

"But you can't sleep here, it's..."

"I'm staying here."

"It's out of the question, I won't allow it! Not when things are the way they are."

"It's not up to you! You can't watch me twenty-four seven anyway!"

There was silence.

"Are you going to do it? Is that why you want to move here?" Chris said defensively.

"No, I'm moving here to renovate this dump of a house. I took your pill, what more do you want?"

"Well, what do you expect from me, when you tell me you are suicidal?" she took a few steps closer to him. "I have told you what I feel, and you think I'm wrong caring about you? What if it was the other way around? That I told you I wanted to kill myself? How would you feel?"

Daniel was silent and stared down at his feet.

"I'm trying. I'm really trying." he said quietly.

Chris carefully embraced him, and he slowly answered the hug. They stood so for a long while, and he caressed her hair.

"She smell so nice," he thought. Butterflies stirred in his abdomen, and when she turned her head and looked up into his eyes, he ever so slowly leaned in to kiss her. Chris didn't need any more encouragement, but met his lips in a soft kiss. It felt as wonderful as the last time.

As their lips and tounges danced together, she slowly steered him towards the sofa, and they sank down into it, with the kissing and caressing getting more and more intense. Chris felt heatwaves run through her body and that her hands and lips acted almost on their own. She wanted him so much. She wanted to show him how much she loved him. But as she reached to unbutton his shirt, he suddenly flew up.

"I can't do this!" Daniel said and started pacing back and forth as if to calm himself down. Chris was confused.

"What's the matter? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no, it's not you, it's me... I just can't do that. Not to you."

"What do you mean?"

Daniel drove a hand through his dark hair.

"I'm not a virgin. I mean... I've slept with women. Hell, even some men. But they didn't mean anything. And you mean the world, you're so precious to me. I can't do that to you. Tarnish you."

"Daniel, don't put me on a pedestal. I'm just as human as you are. And making love is nothing to be ashamed of. Sexuality is a gift," she rose from the sofa and walked up to him.

"And it's a gift I want to give to you," she said softly.

He stared intently at his shoes.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, I can't deal with this right now," he said and walked out of the house, leaving Chris more frustrated than ever.


	10. Lost and found

**Lost and found**

Chris was feeling completely drained, empty, as she walked through the door to her house. Kate came to greet her.

"Where's Daniel?" she asked.

"I don't know where he is right now, but he's decided to stay at the old house," Chris said and her voice sounded tired.

"But he can't stay there all by himself!" Kate exclaimed.

"I know, and I tried to talk him out of it but..."

Kate eyed her best friend. She looked so sad and tired

"There's something you're not telling me. What's going on between you and Daniel?"

"I'm in love with you brother," Chris said hesitantly, as she didn't know how Kate would react.

"Oh," she said after a second of silence. "I guess I should've figured that one out sooner. How does he feel about you?" Kate asked curiously.

"I don't know, I think he feels the same way, but he's so elusive, one minute we're kissing, the next he's gone out the door."

"Don't take it personal, Daniel's never been comfortable with physical affection. He has always seemed stand-offish or something when I've given him a hug."

"I don't think stand-offish is the word," Chris said. "I mean, he got an anxiety attack when I told him I loved him. "

"What?! Why?"

"I don't know, he wouldn't tell me." They were both silent for a while.

"So... Ah, you okay with this? I mean Daniel and I?" Chris asked.

"Like I said, I should've seen it coming sooner. But I'm glad for you two," Kate smiled.

"I think I''ll go look for him."

"God?" Daniel asked tentatively in a low voice. He was sitting in a pew with his hands clasped. "I know I have probably no right to ask you anything, with the way I have cursed at you before, but... Things are different now. I'm so confused, so very confused. I'm not here to pray for a miracle, just some peace of mind would be fine." he paused. "Why do you keep torturing me? Why did you have to send Chris into my life when you know that... She's not for me? That she's too high above me. That, with all that's happened, we could never be together. Was it just another way of punishing me for something? What did I do to deserve this life? Huh?" Daniel felt he was getting agitated. "I'm sorry, I just want a sign of what to do! Ah, what's the use," he said, got up and saw Chris standing in the aisle.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"I just got here, I've been looking everywhere for you."

"You found me."

"We should talk."

"I know, let's go to my place."

They where both sitting in the sofa, silent, as neither of them knew what to say. It seemed a lifetime ago to Chris, when they had been on the same sofa, kissing.

"I don't know... Where to start. But I guess you deserve the truth, so that you then can decide whether you want to be with me or not," Daniel said.

Chris could see he was trembling.

"Hey, what could possibly be so bad?" she said and put a hand on his shoulder.

He took a deep breath, and then exhaled.

"I don't really know when it started, or how, but... I told you my dad used to almost beat me to death..."

"Yes?" she urged when he didn't continue.

"Well, afterwards he used to take me into his study to "talk some sense into me" and told mum and Kate to under no circumstances disturb. He was a military man, a real a authoritarian, so we always did what we were told." Daniel bit his lower lip, as he went back to the darkest place in his mind.

"When were in the study he used to tell me what a bad boy I've been. And what a bad boy I was for making him... Do things to me." he was trembling even harder now, tears was beginning to show in his eyes and he jerked slightly when Chris began to gently stroke his back.

"What do you mean, 'do things to you'?" she said, suspecting that it was more than just beating him up.

"What's the worst thing you can imagine?"

It took a few seconds for it to sink in with Chris.

"Oh, Daniel, I'm so sorry!"

He hadn't looked at her the whole time.

"Yeah, okay... Listen I'll just leave and be gone by the morning. You can pretend I haven't been here at all," he said and tried to rise, but she caught him.

"No, you're not running away, not this time! When I said I was sorry, I meant that I didn't want that to have happened to you."

Daniel still didn't dare to look at her.

"Anyway, ah... The reason why I reacted the way I did, when you told me that you loved me was because he... Used to say that afterwards, and to me the word love has become... Something disgusting. And don't even get me started about sex. When I've been with people sexually it's always felt as if I was doing something to them that I shouldn't. And I always, always felt so dirty afterwards, and I didn't want that feeling of tarnishing or blemishing you. Because whatever it is that I feel for you, it is not dirty. But earlier today... I wanted you, and that scared the hell out of me," he fell silent.

"Daniel," Chris said softly. "You are a wonderful man, and this with your father, it wasn't your fault."

"I could have said no. I should've said no!"

"You were just a little boy."

"When I was about twelve or so, I started to taunt him when he beat me, to make him angrier so that maybe he would literally beat me to death. And then when I was sixteen I couldn't take it anymore and just ran away for good. There, now you know all of my deep dark secrets."

"How do you feel?"

"Relieved," he said with a sigh. It was as if he felt physically lighter. "But..."

"But what?"

Daniel looked up at Chris for the first time, and saw so much love in her eyes that it brought tears to his.

"Please don't hate me," he said below his breath.

Chris took the liberty of moving closer to him, putting her arm around him. And he let her, grateful for the closeness.

"I couldn't hate you even if I tried for a million years," she said. "And I got a confession to make as well. I've never ever felt like this about anyone before. I think it is worth fighting for. And I hope that you think so too."

He could hear the question and the fear of the answer in her voice.

"It will take time," he said

"I'm not going anywhere. We can do this, together."

Daniel looked Chris in the eyes.

"Together," he said.


	11. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

They were lying in the bed in the old house Daniel had restored. Chris' head was resting at Daniel's chest. Her finger was playing circles on his stomach, secretly wishing that there wasn't a t-shirt in the way. She looked up at his face and saw his closed eyes but his lips were smiling.

"What are you smiling about?"

Daniel opened his eyes and looked at her.

"This. You. Us. These past few months have been the happiest in my life. I don't know what I expected to find when I got back to Cooper's crossing, but never ever happiness. Or that happiness could feel like this."

"Like what?"

Daniel seemed to look for the right words.

"Like... My whole body wants to jump and do back-flips. It just quivers in my body, like if it were out of frustration but in a good way. Am I making any sense?"

"I think so," she laughed

"Hey, I must write this feeling down," he said and reached for the drawer in the nightstand and pulled out a worn notebook and a pen.

"What are you writing it down for?"

"I might turn it into a poem or a song, who knows?"

"I didn't know you were a songwriter! Let me see!" she said and playfully reached for the notebook.

"No!" he pretended to be scared, but laughter was in his eyes as he jerked the notebook away from her.

"Oh, come on! I'll let you read my diary."

"I can already guess what your diary contains."

"You cannot!"

"Yep. C hearts D. C plus D forever, Mrs Daniel Wellings..."

"It would be Doctor Wellings thank you very much!" she laughed and threw a pillow on him.

"Are you proposing to me?" he said with a pretend shocked look.

"What if I was?" Chris said, with a smile, but still a slight serious tone of voice.

"Well, you can't! I'm supposed to be the one who proposes, and I don't even have a ring and..."

"And what?"

"You know what... We haven't slept together yet."

"I don't need to sleep with you to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you," she said softly.

Daniel bit his lower lip. Chris knew by experience now that talk of sex or, getting too close physically would make him pull away.

"I wouldn't want you to buy a pig in a poke," he said, trying to maintain the humorous tone between them.

"I know that you are a damn good kisser at least," she smiled mischievously.

"Oh, am I? Well, better make use of my talents then," Daniel said and pulled her closer for a kiss and still after these three months that had gone by it felt electrifying. Their kissing was tentative at first, but soon it got wilder and wilder. In the back of her head, Chris thought: "Any minute it will stop, he will pull away with some excuse." But that didn't stop her from pouring her heart and soul into the kissing. It was Chris who gently broke their liplock, her body acting almost purely on instinct, and she leaned the side of her neck in to his mouth so that he could kiss it. Daniel started to cover her neck in tickling butterfly kisses, and she let out an exhale of pure pleasure. She then turned her attention back to his mouth. As their tounges played she carefully put her hand under his t-shirt and gently caressed his side. And as she had thought, he did put his hand on hers, but to her surprise he didn't push it away. He just held it.

"I'm scared," Daniel whispered.

"Don't worry, we don't have to do anything tonight," Chris said and started to pull away, but he caught her.

"I'm scared because I want you so bad, and... It just can't be right. I don't want to take advantage of you, or make you feel dirty, or..."

"Shh... We are two consenting adults, I am an consenting adult in every meaning of the word, so don't doubt that I want this. Because I do. Very much, You are not doing anything wrong by me, you hear?"

"Can we... Take it slow?" he asked after a pause.

"Of course," she said softly. "Don't force anything, just relax and go where ever your feelings take you. If there's something you don't want to do then we'll stop."

Daniel thought of the softness of her skin, how it had felt when he kissed her neck. He smiled at her.

"Where were we?" and the kissing began again, under much giggling.

Chris woke up by the morning sun shining in from the skylight. But she also heard the sound of a guitar and Daniel softly singing along. She got up and put on her blouse, and went down from the loft. He was sitting on the elbow rest of the sofa. There was a wide smile on his face as he saw her coming down the stairs.

"Hey sleepyhead."

"Hello yourself. How long have you been up?"

"Long enough to go out and buy us breakfast, and almost finish this song," he put away the guitar.

"And..." he continued and reached for something in the pocket. "Maggie Hutton, surprisingly enough, had this in her shop," and he pulled out a ring and got down on one knee.

"Christine Randall, will you accept this red ruby probably pure plastic ring, although you deserve diamonds and more, and make me the happiest man in the universe, and marry me?"

"I thought you'd never ask," she smiled.

"So, that is a yes then?"

"Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!"

Daniel got up and put on the ring on her finger.

"It fits perfectly!" he smiled.

"Well, maybe not perfectly, it's a little tight," Chris said and took it off again. "Tell you what, I'll wear it in a chain around my neck."

"Does this mean we're engaged now?" Daniel asked

"Hell yes, I'm not letting you go now! Why do you ask that, you're the one who just proposed?"

"I'm just double checking."

"I've said yes, so shut up and kiss me already!"

He didn't need to be urged twice.

Three months later, the wedding was held in the church and they were married by father Jacko. After they had withdrawn from the party and back to the old house, Daniel lifted Chris up and carried her over the threshold. A house full of lit candles greeted them, and they saw a trail of rose-leaves leading up to the loft.

"Did you do this?" Chris asked Daniel.

"No, I'm totally innocent. Look here's a card," he said and walked up to the coffee table.

"Just wanted to wish you a long and happy marriage, with lots and lots of nieces and nephews for me. Love, Kate", he read from the card.

"Oh, how sweet of her."

"Yeah, so... If were going to give her any nieces or nephews, then we better start practicing, don't you think?" Daniel said and pulled her closer. Chris got tears in her eyes of joy.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"Nothing, I'm just so happy. About everything," she said and kept the thought of this being the first time he actually took the first initiative to sex to herself. She didn't want to scare him off. They kissed and slowly danced to some music only they could hear, and at the same time slowly undressing each other, both thinking how happy they were.

**XXX**

_There will probably be a sequel to this, so stay tuned :)_


End file.
